Last Night

So, in my quiet time last night I re-read Habakkuk for the second time this week and then I started going through Mark. After I finished reading I took some time to be still and let the Lord speak over me. Sometimes, in the quiet, I get nothing. No word, no reassurance, no advice, no direction, nothing. But sometimes, I have a glimpse of something that is beautiful and beyond me and that I know is from the Lord. When it happens I am often quick to try recreate the moment and capture into words in a hope to share with others but it will quickly fade into something less meaningful or lacking the powerful breath of God.

Anyway, last night was one of those nights where I caught a glimpse. It was brief and it made me hot, flushed in the face. I will do my best to recreate the image I saw but it may lack the power that it had on my heart, though I feel that it is worth a try.

As I was reading in Mark and Habakkuk it left me pondering about repentance, true life- changing repentance. About how this is a WORK of GOD, not me. He changes hearts. It's nothing that I can ever do on my own. And I thought about humility. It was then, that as I laid on the floor in my tiny bedroom thinking about humility that I was suddenly taken to this place where I pictured myself in the position of Mary Magdalene who should have be stoned for her adultery. Although in this vision, my sins were my own, not Mary's, and they were many. Certainly worthy of death.

My face was wet with hot tears, sweat crested along the top of my forehead and the mixture of the tears and sweat made the dirt from the ground smear as mud upon my flushed face. Really, all I could see was feet from my bowing position on the dirt floor. My assumption was that it was Jesus. Then slowly the feet began to walk away from me out of disgust. As if to just leave me as I am. In what I saw as my humility , I was on my knees in an attempt to both crawl towards Him and gain enough momentum to rise to my feet in order to run towards him in sheer desperation for forgiveness and acceptance. It was then that it happened. The Lord spoke to my heart so directly and said, "That is not Jesus. Jesus would not be walking away from you."

And so, with those few words I sat up and started thinking about this more clearly. What freedom that brings. Jesus would not be walking away. It's not that I don't have to choose to run towards Him when I am pressed down by my sin and filth, but that when I get to Him I can stop and rest...and be forgiven. No more chasing Him, trying to convince Him of the good girl that I am (yeah right) and begging Him for understanding.

And so, I instead reach the feet of Jesus who stands square in front of me (and if I look closely may have even taken steps towards me) and I start to climb up His legs, and body to cling to Him out of a thankful heart. His arms are extended ready for embrace and He gently wipes away all the filth that is covered on my face, wipes it on his white robe, and takes it as His own...Hallelujah.